Thursday, September 13, 2007
I like this picture. It was taken in October 2002 and marked the first time I went out after Lauren was born. I look tired and pale. I even look a little pissed off. More accurately, I'm terrified and I thought the only way to get through that was to white-knuckle it. I'd fought a hard path to becoming a parent, and it was nothing like I'd thought it would be. I mean, I knew that babies wake up at all hours, but I don't think you can know what waking up every 2 hours for 4 months is like until you do it. You go through times where you're just too tired to even cry about it. At 28 in this picture, I had magical thinking that I would have kids and the rest of everything would suddenly become perfect. I think I've done some growing up since then.
For the year and change I've written this blog, I've known the title Abandon Hope doesn't suit it. There have been plenty of times - stretches of many years even - that I've felt faithless and deserted. But these past 5 years, I haven't been there. I haven't been dancing in fields of wheat either.
Yesterday I realized that the title of these over 600 little glimpses of my life, some of them funny and some of them whiny and annoying is Screw Perfection. A week before my 33rd birthday I realize that the times I'm happiest are the ones where I throw my hands in the air and don't try to be the perfect mom, wife, sister, daughter, or friend. It doesn't mean that I don't have plenty of personal goals, it just means that among them trying to be perfect isn't working for me. It's actually downright toxic.
So there it is. Screw Perfection.