Saturday, May 27, 2006

A break from all the cute stuff

When we were released from the hospital on Tuesday, Lindsay had lost about 15 % of her body weight. We instructed by the pediatrician to supplement nursing with formula. We're not new to this - Lauren weighed only 4 pounds when she left the hospital and we had a similar routine of feeding every 2 hours. Fortunately, since Lindsay weighs just under 6 pounds, we're able to let her wake herself when hungry at night which has been every 4 hours - which makes this a whole lot more bearable than it was with Lauren.

Lindsay is starting to prefer the bottle, which is to be expected. It's a whole lot easier for her. It is entirely about hormones that this feels like rejection, but I'll embarrassedly admit I burst into tears yesterday in front of one of the partners in my pediatrician's practice and her medical student, completely frustrated that for the second time I find myself failing at what's supposed to be a natural process. I can step back and realize it's sort of ridiculous that doing what's best for my babies would cause me to feel rejected and like a failure. Particularly since it's just the delivery system that's not working for us - I am making plenty of milk and Lindsay is drinking it out of a bottle. It's more efficient for both of us, and allows my husband to share in feeding the baby. Yet, I can't seem to shake the negative emotions about it. Taking the pediatrician's advice to make Lindsay nurse for a half hour every 2 hours before offering a bottle just makes us both upset. She's ravenous. I feel like every single interaction I have with my newborn is a struggle.

I decided to take my husband's advice and stop struggling with this. It's much more important that Lindsay puts on some weight than whether or not I feel validated. Besides, I'm not sure if I would've scored his admiration were it not for being able to pump, answer client e-mail, and catalog Lauren's inventory of Playdoh food. Oh, right. I just birthed a 6 1/2 pound baby. Du-uh.


Delphi said...

It's easy to say, "don't stress about this" but not so easy to do. The mind really is a monkey and keeps running back to the bad places. Silly monkey.

karen said...

I'm so with you on the rejection feeling! While we didn't have to deal with the underweight issue, Lars was similarly unable to deal with the natural delivery method - it just wasn't fast enough for him. Thinking about it now still causes a little wistful burn in my heart...he might never miss it but part of me always will.